It’s a GIRL!!!

Written 02-24-2012

Today is the day I found out you are a GIRL!!!!!

I couldn’t stop smiling and I made the ultrasound tech check several times to make sure, in addition to making sure she pointed out your girl parts to me so that I could see them myself (even though I honestly didn’t know what I was looking at)!

I saw you on the screen and my heart melted! You were curled up and your head was tucked down as if you were praying. You looked so at peace and serene. The ultrasound technician had to move around her wand continuously just to get you to move. You finally did and I saw your arms move! I also heard your heartbeat. I was 160 beats again. All of your vital organs looked great and I can’t explain to you how excited I am to be your mom!

Your name is Nola Grace, after my favorite woman in the whole wide world. I can’t wait to tell you about her. Your name also has significance because without Grace, where would we be?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

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The Circle of Life

Written 02-23-12

Tomorrow is the day I’m hoping to find out if I am having a boy or girl. I’ve made it clear a want a girl, however my son would receive just as much love. Truthfully, I’m afraid of having a boy as my biggest fear is having to, as a single mother, rear a Black man. That task seems to be one I can’t tackle the way I would want to, with my Black husband by my side. At any rate, regardless of the sex; I hope to have a very healthy and loving child.

The biggest reason I want a girl is because I want to name her after my paternal grandmother. I secretly hope to have a piece of her back here with me because I miss her soooo much. I also want that unique mother-daughter bond. I want to teach her to be a better woman than I am. I envision a bright, beautiful face with a large, curly afro. I can’t wait to teach her to love her black skin and kinky hair.

I really want to alleviate from her life all insecurities I had as a young girl. I want to tell her all of the things I wanted to hear. I don’t ever want her to feel as if I don’t understand her or what she’s feeling or going through. Essentially I want to heal my childhood wounds by loving her the way I wish I was loved.

Black families don’t always verbally express love, it’s often implied. Sometimes we need to hear it.

This isn’t about not knowing I was loved. This is about giving love the best way in which the person receives it, however in order to do that; one must take the time to get to know the individual on a level that transcends the day-to-day routine. Each child is unique and it is the parent’s responsibility to lay the foundation for such uniqueness to flourish.

This can be a difficult task if there is more than one child in the household, or if you’re a single mother doing it all by yourself, or with little help. Even in two parent households, this task is a challenging feat with all of the roles each parent has. However, we owe this to our children so that when they are parents they will know how to best express love.

To My Unborn Child

Written 02-22-12

You aren’t here yet and sometimes I still can’t believe I’m going to be a mother. Your mother. There are times I wonder if I am ready. I also wonder if I will be a good mother to you. The last thing I ever want to do is fail you.

I receive and accept that God is bringing you into my life for a reason and I believe wholeheartedly He will give me what I need to bring out His purpose in you. Therefore, I wanted to let you know that I promise to always give the BEST of me to you.

I promise to strive to be the type of mother who can recognize that while you are my child, you ultimately belong to God and I must always submit to His will for your life, even if it differs from what I want for you.

I pray that you grow up to be a healthy, happy and caring person who knows God personally and intimately, realizing your life isn’t about you and remembering that you are a child who is unconditionally loved by your mother, but most importantly God.

You are NOT a mistake and you WILL do great things.

All my love,

Mommy

Good Men, Good Women

While I agree that there are good men all around me, I must also point out the fact that there are also good women all around me. So, why are all of these good men and women not getting together and living happily ever after? Why is everyone asking, “where are all the good (wo)men?”
1. Because we are blinded by the fantasy, fairytale, made-for-television-and-movies relationships. Real relationships are hard. Period. Nothing worth having will be easy. Real people don’t talk like how they talk on television-that stuff is scripted (even in “reality” television). And there are not always happy endings to life crises. So the search should not be for the perfect partner; the search should be for that ride-or-die partner, whose fundamental life philosophies are similar to your own. Don’t try to make that perfect looking (on and off paper) guy or girl your own when they have vastly different ideals, interests, outlooks, and life vision. Or when they simply and obviously have not made you a priority in their life.
2. Because we want to be perfect as defined by society’s standards and are not okay with our flaws, so we mask them and show the world what we want them to see. Trick, you have cellulite-get over it! Dog, it ain’t all that-stop frontin’. Trust that your flaws will be perfectly complimented by the one who is meant for you. Working out and getting into shape is great, and you should to it to have a healthy lifestyle, so that your days on this earth are pleasant and not plagued with illness. If you are losing weight because you think that will attract that guy or girl, then answer me this: Are you working as hard to improve the inside as hard as you are at improving the outside? The outside will get that initial attraction, but the inside will keep the intrigue that will last a lifetime. What’s on the inside has no limitations (for the most part) in its development, but physical aging doesn’t discriminate. Your breasts, butt, and nuts will sag, but your mind can be as sharp as ever, if its growth is fostered. Yes, you can get cosmetic surgery, but even that won’t halt the natural aging process and you will end up looking like an old fool.
3. Because our society have reduced men to providers only. Okay, let me be real: WOMEN have reduced men to (and left them there) only giving and providing material things. What’s even sadder is that men have accepted this responsibility, and some do only that– provide possessions. So that leaves us with relationships that from the outside look perfect because they have all the dressings: the houses, cars, clothing, and designer sheets. What those on the outside looking in don’t realize is that there is no emotional security. The man can’t come home from a hard day at work into the arms of a comforting and closed-mouthed woman. She’s nagging and he withdraws even more. He shuts her up by giving in to her demands. He is further reduced and further withdraws. The woman has no idea what true love is because she defines it by the price tag on her gifts. So if he forgets a holiday, birthday, or anniversary, she blows a gasket, never realizing or appreciating what he has done (provided) up to this point. She can’t even talk to him because she does not even realize that she has aided in the reduction of his manhood. So then she gets mad when he doesn’t listen.

THE WOMAN’S SCENARIO:  Then she finds a broke brother who will listen. They have excellent conversations and he is like her best friend! But, she can’t really be with him because she knows; he can’t provide her with the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed…THE MAN’S SCENARIO: He is fighting the urge to give in to a hoochie but she is willing to SAY all the things he yearns to hear from his woman. So hoochie listens to him. Tells him what he wants to hear, i.e. strokes his ego, but he knows he will never take hoochie home to meet his mama. Another problem is he is fighting a losing battle because hoochie is using what she has to get what she wants, so he is right back in the same provider boat, which he undoubtedly financed himself!

Women, hear me when I say: we must communicate to men that they are more than a paycheck!!!! They need to know we have a need to connect on an emotional level with them. We need their conversation. We are interested in their interests. We value their point of view. We yearn for their vision and outlook (the black family needs this, but that’s another topic for another day). Once they know they can “provide” more than that Chanel handbag, then they will have a true investment in the relationship. And two truly invested partners is where it’s at!
So I have been somewhat hard on women, and that’s primarily for two reasons:
1. I am a woman who knows I can only change myself. So I must look at what I do and say wrong and make corrections. I can’t change him, nor can I really understand what it’s like to walk in his shoes. My desire is to meet someone who is commited to becoming the best man he can be and the two of us can share our walk. Four feet, one walk.
2. I sincerely believe that a man will treat you the way you allow him to. Do I really have to explain this? If you are standing upright and he bounces: LET HIM BOUNCE! He ain’t for you. You can’t change him. If you change you, then it’s not you he’s with (think about it).

SCENARIO:  So you pretend and put forth what you think he wants, and in turn he gives you attention. Six months [insert any time frame here, it doesn’t really matter] down the line, after some mind blowing sex, and your emotions are all caught up; you start to long for more. He is the man of your dreams. Perfect on paper. Perfect physically. Comes from a good family. Has a plan for his future. He even might listen when you talk! “OMG, why won’t he propose??!! I am a doing everything I can to show him how good a woman I am!!! I KNOW I am better than the others, but honestly, I can’t even call him my man, because we never had that conversation! So can I get mad at him for bangin’ other women? But if he can just realize how great we can be together then everything will be perfect!!!!”

HELLO!!! Don’t you remember that in the beginning you held back your values and what you wanted because you wanted his attention?! Duh, HE hasn’t changed in this scenario, so why get mad at him? Have we forgotten than men can be involved physically and be concurrently emotionally detached from that experience? HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

I am hard on women because I am one and I sincerely believe women are the best creations ever and as such; we need to live up to that creation.
Good men and good women exist. When we stop lying, to ourselves and each other, maybe then we can hook up and live happily ever after….

Unconditional Self Love

Let me start by first stating that the best relationships are composed of complete individuals. The day I look for wholeness in someone else is the day I lose myself. And how can that person truly love me if I don’t know me, or am only giving a part of myself?

Growing thicker skin can lead to bitterness. How can you be in something as emotional as a romantic relationship and not be emotional? Being able to accurately communicate your thoughts, actions, wants, and needs is invaluable, and some men see this as being too emotional, too vulnerable.  And yet, in many cases, it’s through this vulnerability, letting go of our preconceived notions, past similar experiences, rules and regulations on relationships that love can flourish. Yes, you should learn the lessons of past, but forget the actions, because it’s not fair to the next person to pay for what the previous person did. Similar actions can mean different things to different people. So let him or her explain to you what it means for him or her. And you should be willing to do the same.

Looking at self can be one of the most difficult and emotional processes (if you’re truly being honest with yourself). For me, it took learning how much God truly loves me! Man, when I found that out (for real), I knew I was a bad sista! Knowing that the love is so unconditional, He could love me just as I am flaws and all. Knowing that when He created me, He saw that it was all good is what set me free! Learning of God’s love gave me the freedom to love myself unconditionally. When you love yourself, then relationships become less complicated, due to discernment.

In relationships a great strategy is to learn about the other individual as a person and allow them to learn of who you are as a person. Education aside. Bank accounts aside. Titles aside. Friends, families, and societal expectations aside. Past relationship failures aside. Just the two of you naked (figuratively), honest and open.

It’s funny, the more open I am, the more I can see facades…..

Waiting for Love

I love…….

your fear of God, because it’s the foundation,

your intellect, because ensures longevity of conversation,

your drive, because it makes me want more,

your smile, because it illuminates my life,

your sense of family, because we are now one,

your aggressiveness, because it exudes your confidence,

your hug, because it shows your vulnerability,

your swagger, because it’s so sexy,

your ambition, because it elevates us to higher heights,

your voice, because it’s soothing,

your smell, because it affirms your love of self,

your involvement in the community, because it accentuates your selflessness,

your strong back, because it keeps me satisfied,

your laugh, because it’s the music composed specifically for my ears,

your reassurance, because it compliments your love for me,

your tears, because they express your security of self,

your manhood, because it fits perfectly,

your honesty, even when the truth is hard for me to swallow,

your flexibility in adapting to life’s changes,

your kiss on my neck after a long day at work.

I love…….

the way you look at me when I’m acting silly,

the way you finish my sentences,

the way your eyebrow wrinkles when thinking,

the way you touch the small of my back,

the way we can communicate without talking,

the way you can read my mind and discern my needs,

the way you know when to shut up,

the way you give me my space,

the way you let me be me.

I can’t wait…….

for the day we meet.

How Do I Know If You’re A True Friend?


There are probably a number of answers to this question, but in my opinion, the bottom line is one has to truly love and accept who they are, flaws and all, before they are able to be a true friend. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. And you can’t seek in a friend something that is not in you.

Whether we are speaking of romantic relationships and platonic friendships the same is always true. (DISCLAIMER: I use the term relationship as it relates to the relational interactions between people.) You can’t find someone else to complete what is lacking in you. That’s how we end up in dysfunctional, unfulfilling relationships which eventually lead to discord and bitterness.
You have to link yourself to persons who have the same beliefs as you. Similar foundational beliefs systems, when nurtured, can lead to long term satisfying relationships. Nevertheless, we are able to relate to persons whose belief systems differ as long as all parties are content in who they are and what they believe and are respectful of the fact that you believe something different.

This is where the term associate comes into play. An associate is instrumental in your development of self because you can understand and learn about yourself within their context, elevating you to a different level. With an associate, something will always be missing from the relationship, because they are usually only in our lives for a season, to teach us something. And they may come in and out of your life at very random moments in time.
Whether “true” is the word I would use to define who or how I am with the people in my life is tricky. I am what I want to receive from them. If I am going through a rough patch, I may not be the best friend in the world; however the love and appreciation I have for them is unwavering. Rough patches are tough, but real friends are able to bounce back from them. If you are finding yourself having the same disagreements with the same people over and over again, then it is time to evaluate their purpose in your life. Sometimes, because of similar interests (among other reasons), we hang on to people who were only meant to be in our lives for a season.
Do you want to know how you know I am your true friend? Because I will be willing to walk out of your life if I believed that would mean a lifetime of happiness for you. Friendship is not selfish.

That’s my definition of friendship:  tell me yours…