the beginning

your smile,

your laugh,

your eyes,

your lips,

your voice,

your touch,

your feet,

your hands,

your smell,

your strength,

your loyalty,

your conscience,

your determination,

your spirit,

your humility,

your diligence,

your promise.

the beginnings of why i love you.

divineappt

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you…her, she, me…you

you remember what happened to me before.

i got her and we became close.

we were together, inseparable, day in, and day out.

she was my joy and i was her everything.

hearing that simple word made my heart melt every time she said it.

my every action was in consideration of her.

and then she came and took her away.

i never felt pain like that before.

or since.

so i’ve decided i wont get close to you.

i don’t ever want to feel that way again.

but you are so beautiful.

you remind me of a time when love was pure.

you are reminiscent of the joy that once was.

i can’t enter into a place without coming to see about you first.

i want to talk to you every chance i get.

but my words are tasting too bitter right now.

seems like my premonition is coming true.

i knew i was right not to want you.

but i want to want you.

actually, i want you.

but i can’t be with you because of me.

and because she won’t let me.

 

the power of words: you can’t be with her, because she is me and you are you.

youhermesheyou

Past-Forward

FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .......... MAMITA SUFFER PA...

FOR YOU LOVE PEACE ………. MAMITA SUFFER PAIN SKY ANGEL REMEMBER FOREVER REST …….. (Photo credit: LUZ-2011)

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are confronted with someone from your past and through the conversation, it becomes obvious this person still sees you as the old you. Further, it’s painful to be engaged in an experience with someone you care about, only to see they are stuck in the past and haven’t grown much over the years. I am the type of person who values self-reflection and growth and I want that for every person, as it’s life’s greatest gift to be able to see your authentic self, confront that person, work on your flaws, and grow into the next best version of you. It’s liberating, exhilarating, and the ultimate orgasm is the ability to look back and see from how far you’ve come.

It hurts my heart to be in the presence of someone who doesn’t know how awesome they are because they are stifled by the pains of their past. Pain that prohibits them from a clear vision of reality. Pain that has fermented and grown into anger that causes them to lash out against anyone who challenges their warped sense of truth. Anger that separates what is from what could be…

 

 

Dear past:

Although dissolution is heart-breaking, the new and improved me can’t be a part of your life right now because we are unequally yoked. This inequality will cause me to revert back to unhealthy behaviors and I refuse to move backwards because I know I deserve better, as I want nothing but the best for me. I am no better than you, we are just merely in different places right now. Maybe we will meet again in the future, maybe not. I am not who you think I am and I am saddened you can’t see that I’ve grown. Nevertheless, I wish you the best, but I am moving forward and I pray with every fiber of my being that you are able to do the same.

With love.

pastforward

 

You’ve Got Mail

Every email account has a setting allowing the account holder to reroute any mail deemed unworthy of the time in which it will take to read. Most email servers will ultimately delete these messages to save space, therefore you never see these emails unless you take out time to visit the junk mail folder within the allotted time frame. I have gotten into the habit of occasionally visiting my junk mail folder just to see if there were any messages worth saving, perhaps from an email address I had forgotten to save or from someone who had emailed me for the first time. Sifting through hundreds of messages to save maybe two is time consuming to say the least, however I continue in this habit.

Today, as I was sifting through my junk mail, I began to wonder what my life would be like if I were able to automatically reroute life’s junk to a place where I didn’t have to deal with it unless I made the choice to deal. I also wondered how much time I wasted sifting through junk, only to save one or two relationships (I use the term loosely to define relational patterns between people, so this includes romantic relationships and friendships)  that would ultimately fall apart anyway. As we grow, there should be lessons learned that prevents certain circumstances from occurring in the future. For example, I got 3 tickets for speeding in 2011 alone. Common sense dictates that I drive the speed limit to prevent ticketing from happening again, right? Yeah…….right :).

But in relationships and in getting to know people, there are always triggers that let us know if we should continue investing time in this person. Many of us have lived the story of “seeing the signs” only to justify them because we want to believe the best in people. We see potential and think that if we nurture it via being a good friend to this person, they will one day live up to that potential, making everything worthwhile. There is also the notion of giving a person the benefit of the doubt, as there are always things we can learn from others, despite vast differences.

I have witnessed people who will cut off individuals from day 1 if they determined that individual was one who wasn’t on their level~not meaning this person wasn’t good enough for them, but that there weren’t enough spiritual, philosophical, emotional, or mental similarities to build a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. I really respect these people because I wish I could do that, however I have learned over the years to be able to recognize toxic relationships sooner than later and subsequently remove these people from my life. In this next phase of my life, I aim to recognize and keep it moving before any connection is formed because I have wasted too much time waiting for potential to materialize. Therefore, when an unfamiliar spirit enters my presence, I will keep it moving…..hopefully (well, that’s the goal).

Junk can often serve to distract so ask yourself, “Where would I be if I automatically routed the junk in my life to a place where I will never see it?” This task is much easier said than done because it requires a certain level of tunnel vision that is difficult to achieve and maintain. I do wonder, however, if a certain level of junk is necessary for personal growth to occur? If the answer to this question is yes, then the question becomes, “at what point do you dump the junk?

Your thoughts?

 

The Reality of Domestic Violence Part II

My last post was very long, so I decided to divide up the information because I wanted to make sure I shared some statistical information I found on futureswithoutviolence.org:

~>On average more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States.  In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner.

~>In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published data collected in 2005 that finds that women experience two million injuries from intimate partner violence each year.

~>Nearly one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend at some point in her life.

~>Women are much more likely than men to be victimized by a current or former intimate partner.

~>Women are 84 percent of spouse abuse victims and 86 percent of victims of abuse at the hands of a boyfriend or girlfriend and about three-fourths of the persons who commit family violence are male.

~>There were 248,300 rapes/sexual assaults in the United States in 2007, more than 500 per day, up from 190,600 in 2005. Women were more likely than men to be victims; the rate for rape/sexual assault for persons age 12 or older in 2007 was 1.8 per 1,000 for females and 0.1 per 1,000 for males.

~>The United States Justice Department’s Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 3.4 million persons said they were victims of stalking during a 12-month period in 2005 and 2006.  Women experience 20 stalking victimizations per 1,000 females age 18 and older, while men experience approximately seven stalking victimizations per 1,000 males age 18 and older.

~>Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner – a figure that far exceeds victimization rates for other types of violence affecting youth.

~>One in five tweens – age 11 to 14 – say their friends are victims of dating violence and nearly half who are in relationships know friends who are verbally abused. Two in five of the youngest tweens, ages 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships.

~>Teen victims of physical dating violence are more likely than their non-abused peers to smoke, use drugs, engage in unhealthy diet behaviors (taking diet pills or laxatives and vomiting to lose weight), engage in risky sexual behaviors, and attempt or consider suicide

~>15.5 million children in the United States live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year, and seven million children live in families in which severe partner violence occurred.

~> The majority of nonfatal intimate partner victimizations of women (two-thirds) in the United States occur at home.

~>Children under age 12 are residents of the households experiencing
intimate partner violence in 38 percent of incidents involving female victims.

~> In a single day in 2008, 16,458 children were living in a domestic violence shelter or transitional housing facility. Another 6,430 children sought services at a non-residential program.

~>Women who have experienced domestic violence are 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease, 60 percent more likely to have asthma and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than women who have not experienced intimate partner violence.

~>In the United States in 1995, the cost of intimate partner rape, physical assault and stalking totaled $5.8 billion each year for direct medical and mental health care services and lost productivity from paid work and household chores. When updated to 2003 dollars, the cost is more than $8.3 billion.

~>Sexual and domestic violence are linked to a wide range of reproductive health issues including sexually transmitted disease and HIV transmission, miscarriages, risky sexual health behaviour and more.

 

Again, before we engage in jokes or solely look at this issue through our fascination with celebrities, remember everyday people are victims of violence and this is no laughing matter. Educate yourself and then educate others. You may just save a life.

 

Source: http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/DomesticViolence.pdf

Reflections of Honor

Lately I have been reflecting, looking at from where I’ve come, where I am now, and where I want to be in the future. Not surprisingly, I recently celebrated another birthday, an opportune time for reflection, but this year was a little bit different because a short time before my birthday I received some disturbing news. This news should not have been disturbing, as it’s something I suspected, but because I allowed myself to deflect from the situation, I consequently never dealt with the issues head on.

So like I normally do, I searched myself first to discover why this information upset me and I admitted to myself that I was upset because the other parties in this situation did not handle it the way I would have. Sounds selfish, however the way I would have handled it (and had been handling it until confronted) was in a way that honored each person involved, meaning I didn’t make any disparaging remarks and whenever someone attempted to make a negative remark, I would rephrase it and make the circumstances appear more positive than they were. This is typically how I deal. Very rarely do I play the role of victim in an attempt to make others look bad. I also see the glass as half full and if I am involved in something that includes people I care about, even when they have done something wrong; I do my best to put a positive spin because I know that everything is cyclical and if I was ever confronted with a similar situation or by one of the parties; I don’t want them to have the ability to say I was involved in feeding any negativity about them.

 

I feel like I’m rambling and I hope this make sense.

 

The bottom line is that when relationships go south and dissipate and it involves people I truly care about, even if we parted ways on a bad note; I refuse to say anything negative or entertain any negative comments made about these people, especially if they are not around to defend themselves or give their points of view. To me, that honors the time we were on good terms with one another. Handling situations as such feeds the integrity of the good times that were had. It also leaves the door open to reconnect and repair should paths cross again, given the cyclical nature of life.

 

So it hurt me when I found out that not only were negative remarks about me entertained by those I once held a close relationship with, but the remarks given were not even true. Lord knows I have not always handled situations the best or responded in a way that honored the relationship, so for me to grow to this point is a gigantic step forward in my becoming a better version of Shanika. However, my opinion of these people was so high that it threw me for a loop that they would outright lie on me. Sounds naive, I know.

 

Fast forward several days and I am blessed to see another birthday, which resulted in an outpouring of love. Through several birthday messages I received, I was able to see how far I have come and I was able to again reflect on what it means to be a friend and I became even more thankful for my relationships that have stood the test of time, distance, and disagreements. These relationships were able to withstand because we never hit below the belt, even during the worst arguments~arguments that often led to lapses in time when we would communicate with one another. Thankfully we were able to see that any hurtful remarks made or actions taken were a reflection of what the offender was going through or where he/she was at that point in their journey. It was never about the person/people that received the lashing. No one is perfect, however I am eternally grateful for those people who have always accepted me for me, forgiven me for my infractions, and valued our relationship enough not to allow it to be destroyed by negativity, lies and/or rumors.

 

In moving forward, I hope to continue to get better with how I treat those I call friend. I pray for forgiveness from and healing for anyone I’ve hurt. And I pray for continued growth of the relationships I have with friends who have proven to be true. I am definitely honored to have you as such.

 

God bless.

 

Hello World!

On July 10, 2012 at 2:10 pm God blessed me with a 5lb 11oz angel. Words can’t really express the amount of emotions I have felt over this last week, however I did want to take some time to write a quick blurb to say THANK YOU GOD! Nola Rose is such a sweet little baby (and I’m going to enjoy this sweet phase for as long as it lasts ;)) and it has been a joy watching her personality develop over this short span of time. She already has my facial expressions (uh oh) and a big, bright, beautiful smile that lights up the room!

As soon as I am able to sift through my thoughts, emotions, and feelings; I will attempt to capture them in written format. The biggest feeling I have right now is one of humility from God choosing ME of all people to be her mom. I’m asking for prayers as I am certain this journey is one that will require an abundance of covering to ensure I bring out in her what God will have her to be in her life.

In closing, Miss Nola Rose told me to tell you, “Hello world, I am here to take you over!”

🙂