The Circle of Life

Written 02-23-12

Tomorrow is the day I’m hoping to find out if I am having a boy or girl. I’ve made it clear a want a girl, however my son would receive just as much love. Truthfully, I’m afraid of having a boy as my biggest fear is having to, as a single mother, rear a Black man. That task seems to be one I can’t tackle the way I would want to, with my Black husband by my side. At any rate, regardless of the sex; I hope to have a very healthy and loving child.

The biggest reason I want a girl is because I want to name her after my paternal grandmother. I secretly hope to have a piece of her back here with me because I miss her soooo much. I also want that unique mother-daughter bond. I want to teach her to be a better woman than I am. I envision a bright, beautiful face with a large, curly afro. I can’t wait to teach her to love her black skin and kinky hair.

I really want to alleviate from her life all insecurities I had as a young girl. I want to tell her all of the things I wanted to hear. I don’t ever want her to feel as if I don’t understand her or what she’s feeling or going through. Essentially I want to heal my childhood wounds by loving her the way I wish I was loved.

Black families don’t always verbally express love, it’s often implied. Sometimes we need to hear it.

This isn’t about not knowing I was loved. This is about giving love the best way in which the person receives it, however in order to do that; one must take the time to get to know the individual on a level that transcends the day-to-day routine. Each child is unique and it is the parent’s responsibility to lay the foundation for such uniqueness to flourish.

This can be a difficult task if there is more than one child in the household, or if you’re a single mother doing it all by yourself, or with little help. Even in two parent households, this task is a challenging feat with all of the roles each parent has. However, we owe this to our children so that when they are parents they will know how to best express love.

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To My Unborn Child

Written 02-22-12

You aren’t here yet and sometimes I still can’t believe I’m going to be a mother. Your mother. There are times I wonder if I am ready. I also wonder if I will be a good mother to you. The last thing I ever want to do is fail you.

I receive and accept that God is bringing you into my life for a reason and I believe wholeheartedly He will give me what I need to bring out His purpose in you. Therefore, I wanted to let you know that I promise to always give the BEST of me to you.

I promise to strive to be the type of mother who can recognize that while you are my child, you ultimately belong to God and I must always submit to His will for your life, even if it differs from what I want for you.

I pray that you grow up to be a healthy, happy and caring person who knows God personally and intimately, realizing your life isn’t about you and remembering that you are a child who is unconditionally loved by your mother, but most importantly God.

You are NOT a mistake and you WILL do great things.

All my love,

Mommy

Mirror, Mirror

Why do we hate fat people?

Are we jealous that they just don’t give a cluck and eat whatever they want?

Are we jealous of their freedom because we are enslaved by starved, shallow pictures of how society says we should look?

Why don’t we want to see fat people naked? Why is that nasty to us? Is it self-hatred?

Do I not want to see your fat rolls because I can’t seem to look and see the beauty in my own nakedness?

Or do I really believe you are the scum of the earth and I wish you would exercise some type of self-control?

Do I wish you cared more about your health?

Is my hatred fueled by genuine concern?

Am I afraid I might be you someday, therefore if you’d show some sort of self-love it would communicate to me I too could love myself?

Are we mirrors of one another?

Say Goodbye To The Nice Guy

Can a person be too nice?

Can you be so accommodating you become a nice little liar? Living out an existence that doesn’t fulfill you or make you happy, all because the person you are with is a “nice guy.”

It’s hard to let go of someone who has been nothing but nice to you, even after you’ve determine they really serve no purpose other than taking up space or allowing you to pass time until the right one comes along.

Why is it so hard to let go of the nice man or the nice woman even when they add no value to your life?

It’s almost as if we need permission in the form of disappointment or drama before dismissal. 

Why can’t we simply have a mature conversation that may go something like this: ” Dear Dick (or Jane, which ever you prefer), I’ve prayed about it and this is the point at which you get off of my bus. Yes, this is your stop. No, you have not done anything wrong. I just know you are not the one for me and I am not the one for you. I appreciate the journey we’ve taken, however your retaining that seat would only serve to hinder the person for whom it was created. I wish you the best. Goodbye.” 

Unfortunately, most have not learned a mature way of breaking off a relationship, even when the writing is on the wall. And it’s even harder if it’s nice italicized writing. While some people can find a reason to break up with a liar or cheater, we often struggle to find the logic that justifies breaking up with a nice one. 

I think that happens because there are so many yucky people in the world that we have been hardened to the point to where if the minimal is met; we latch on without truly and comprehensively evaluating all characteristics of the person. Just because a person is nice does not mean you should spend the rest of your life with him or her. What are their interests? What are their goals in life? What is their passion? Are the two of you able to have engaging conversations? Does your tummy feel that flutter when he or she is around? Is there chemistry between the two of you?

There are so many things to look at other than whether or not he or she is simply nice. Santa Claus is nice, however do you really want to spend the rest of your life at the North Pole with a man who only works one day out of the year and all of the other days; he sits around playing with his wood?

Perspective

Looking at your problems through your purpose provides the opportunity to put your problems into perspective.

They suddenly seem to fit perfectly into the puzzle of your life. They become less powerful because you know without them, you will be unable to fulfill your full potential.

You begin to accept them as stepping-stones over which you must climb to reach the pinnacle of your life.

Gotta find your purpose though.

Otherwise, problems are nothing but the same shit, different day.

Good Men, Good Women

While I agree that there are good men all around me, I must also point out the fact that there are also good women all around me. So, why are all of these good men and women not getting together and living happily ever after? Why is everyone asking, “where are all the good (wo)men?”
1. Because we are blinded by the fantasy, fairytale, made-for-television-and-movies relationships. Real relationships are hard. Period. Nothing worth having will be easy. Real people don’t talk like how they talk on television-that stuff is scripted (even in “reality” television). And there are not always happy endings to life crises. So the search should not be for the perfect partner; the search should be for that ride-or-die partner, whose fundamental life philosophies are similar to your own. Don’t try to make that perfect looking (on and off paper) guy or girl your own when they have vastly different ideals, interests, outlooks, and life vision. Or when they simply and obviously have not made you a priority in their life.
2. Because we want to be perfect as defined by society’s standards and are not okay with our flaws, so we mask them and show the world what we want them to see. Trick, you have cellulite-get over it! Dog, it ain’t all that-stop frontin’. Trust that your flaws will be perfectly complimented by the one who is meant for you. Working out and getting into shape is great, and you should to it to have a healthy lifestyle, so that your days on this earth are pleasant and not plagued with illness. If you are losing weight because you think that will attract that guy or girl, then answer me this: Are you working as hard to improve the inside as hard as you are at improving the outside? The outside will get that initial attraction, but the inside will keep the intrigue that will last a lifetime. What’s on the inside has no limitations (for the most part) in its development, but physical aging doesn’t discriminate. Your breasts, butt, and nuts will sag, but your mind can be as sharp as ever, if its growth is fostered. Yes, you can get cosmetic surgery, but even that won’t halt the natural aging process and you will end up looking like an old fool.
3. Because our society have reduced men to providers only. Okay, let me be real: WOMEN have reduced men to (and left them there) only giving and providing material things. What’s even sadder is that men have accepted this responsibility, and some do only that– provide possessions. So that leaves us with relationships that from the outside look perfect because they have all the dressings: the houses, cars, clothing, and designer sheets. What those on the outside looking in don’t realize is that there is no emotional security. The man can’t come home from a hard day at work into the arms of a comforting and closed-mouthed woman. She’s nagging and he withdraws even more. He shuts her up by giving in to her demands. He is further reduced and further withdraws. The woman has no idea what true love is because she defines it by the price tag on her gifts. So if he forgets a holiday, birthday, or anniversary, she blows a gasket, never realizing or appreciating what he has done (provided) up to this point. She can’t even talk to him because she does not even realize that she has aided in the reduction of his manhood. So then she gets mad when he doesn’t listen.

THE WOMAN’S SCENARIO:  Then she finds a broke brother who will listen. They have excellent conversations and he is like her best friend! But, she can’t really be with him because she knows; he can’t provide her with the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed…THE MAN’S SCENARIO: He is fighting the urge to give in to a hoochie but she is willing to SAY all the things he yearns to hear from his woman. So hoochie listens to him. Tells him what he wants to hear, i.e. strokes his ego, but he knows he will never take hoochie home to meet his mama. Another problem is he is fighting a losing battle because hoochie is using what she has to get what she wants, so he is right back in the same provider boat, which he undoubtedly financed himself!

Women, hear me when I say: we must communicate to men that they are more than a paycheck!!!! They need to know we have a need to connect on an emotional level with them. We need their conversation. We are interested in their interests. We value their point of view. We yearn for their vision and outlook (the black family needs this, but that’s another topic for another day). Once they know they can “provide” more than that Chanel handbag, then they will have a true investment in the relationship. And two truly invested partners is where it’s at!
So I have been somewhat hard on women, and that’s primarily for two reasons:
1. I am a woman who knows I can only change myself. So I must look at what I do and say wrong and make corrections. I can’t change him, nor can I really understand what it’s like to walk in his shoes. My desire is to meet someone who is commited to becoming the best man he can be and the two of us can share our walk. Four feet, one walk.
2. I sincerely believe that a man will treat you the way you allow him to. Do I really have to explain this? If you are standing upright and he bounces: LET HIM BOUNCE! He ain’t for you. You can’t change him. If you change you, then it’s not you he’s with (think about it).

SCENARIO:  So you pretend and put forth what you think he wants, and in turn he gives you attention. Six months [insert any time frame here, it doesn’t really matter] down the line, after some mind blowing sex, and your emotions are all caught up; you start to long for more. He is the man of your dreams. Perfect on paper. Perfect physically. Comes from a good family. Has a plan for his future. He even might listen when you talk! “OMG, why won’t he propose??!! I am a doing everything I can to show him how good a woman I am!!! I KNOW I am better than the others, but honestly, I can’t even call him my man, because we never had that conversation! So can I get mad at him for bangin’ other women? But if he can just realize how great we can be together then everything will be perfect!!!!”

HELLO!!! Don’t you remember that in the beginning you held back your values and what you wanted because you wanted his attention?! Duh, HE hasn’t changed in this scenario, so why get mad at him? Have we forgotten than men can be involved physically and be concurrently emotionally detached from that experience? HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

I am hard on women because I am one and I sincerely believe women are the best creations ever and as such; we need to live up to that creation.
Good men and good women exist. When we stop lying, to ourselves and each other, maybe then we can hook up and live happily ever after….

Unconditional Self Love

Let me start by first stating that the best relationships are composed of complete individuals. The day I look for wholeness in someone else is the day I lose myself. And how can that person truly love me if I don’t know me, or am only giving a part of myself?

Growing thicker skin can lead to bitterness. How can you be in something as emotional as a romantic relationship and not be emotional? Being able to accurately communicate your thoughts, actions, wants, and needs is invaluable, and some men see this as being too emotional, too vulnerable.  And yet, in many cases, it’s through this vulnerability, letting go of our preconceived notions, past similar experiences, rules and regulations on relationships that love can flourish. Yes, you should learn the lessons of past, but forget the actions, because it’s not fair to the next person to pay for what the previous person did. Similar actions can mean different things to different people. So let him or her explain to you what it means for him or her. And you should be willing to do the same.

Looking at self can be one of the most difficult and emotional processes (if you’re truly being honest with yourself). For me, it took learning how much God truly loves me! Man, when I found that out (for real), I knew I was a bad sista! Knowing that the love is so unconditional, He could love me just as I am flaws and all. Knowing that when He created me, He saw that it was all good is what set me free! Learning of God’s love gave me the freedom to love myself unconditionally. When you love yourself, then relationships become less complicated, due to discernment.

In relationships a great strategy is to learn about the other individual as a person and allow them to learn of who you are as a person. Education aside. Bank accounts aside. Titles aside. Friends, families, and societal expectations aside. Past relationship failures aside. Just the two of you naked (figuratively), honest and open.

It’s funny, the more open I am, the more I can see facades…..