While I agree that there are good men all around me, I must also point out the fact that there are also good women all around me. So, why are all of these good men and women not getting together and living happily ever after? Why is everyone asking, “where are all the good (wo)men?”
1. Because we are blinded by the fantasy, fairytale, made-for-television-and-movies relationships. Real relationships are hard. Period. Nothing worth having will be easy. Real people don’t talk like how they talk on television-that stuff is scripted (even in “reality” television). And there are not always happy endings to life crises. So the search should not be for the perfect partner; the search should be for that ride-or-die partner, whose fundamental life philosophies are similar to your own. Don’t try to make that perfect looking (on and off paper) guy or girl your own when they have vastly different ideals, interests, outlooks, and life vision. Or when they simply and obviously have not made you a priority in their life.
2. Because we want to be perfect as defined by society’s standards and are not okay with our flaws, so we mask them and show the world what we want them to see. Trick, you have cellulite-get over it! Dog, it ain’t all that-stop frontin’. Trust that your flaws will be perfectly complimented by the one who is meant for you. Working out and getting into shape is great, and you should to it to have a healthy lifestyle, so that your days on this earth are pleasant and not plagued with illness. If you are losing weight because you think that will attract that guy or girl, then answer me this: Are you working as hard to improve the inside as hard as you are at improving the outside? The outside will get that initial attraction, but the inside will keep the intrigue that will last a lifetime. What’s on the inside has no limitations (for the most part) in its development, but physical aging doesn’t discriminate. Your breasts, butt, and nuts will sag, but your mind can be as sharp as ever, if its growth is fostered. Yes, you can get cosmetic surgery, but even that won’t halt the natural aging process and you will end up looking like an old fool.
3. Because our society have reduced men to providers only. Okay, let me be real: WOMEN have reduced men to (and left them there) only giving and providing material things. What’s even sadder is that men have accepted this responsibility, and some do only that– provide possessions. So that leaves us with relationships that from the outside look perfect because they have all the dressings: the houses, cars, clothing, and designer sheets. What those on the outside looking in don’t realize is that there is no emotional security. The man can’t come home from a hard day at work into the arms of a comforting and closed-mouthed woman. She’s nagging and he withdraws even more. He shuts her up by giving in to her demands. He is further reduced and further withdraws. The woman has no idea what true love is because she defines it by the price tag on her gifts. So if he forgets a holiday, birthday, or anniversary, she blows a gasket, never realizing or appreciating what he has done (provided) up to this point. She can’t even talk to him because she does not even realize that she has aided in the reduction of his manhood. So then she gets mad when he doesn’t listen.
THE WOMAN’S SCENARIO: Then she finds a broke brother who will listen. They have excellent conversations and he is like her best friend! But, she can’t really be with him because she knows; he can’t provide her with the lifestyle to which she has grown accustomed…THE MAN’S SCENARIO: He is fighting the urge to give in to a hoochie but she is willing to SAY all the things he yearns to hear from his woman. So hoochie listens to him. Tells him what he wants to hear, i.e. strokes his ego, but he knows he will never take hoochie home to meet his mama. Another problem is he is fighting a losing battle because hoochie is using what she has to get what she wants, so he is right back in the same provider boat, which he undoubtedly financed himself!
Women, hear me when I say: we must communicate to men that they are more than a paycheck!!!! They need to know we have a need to connect on an emotional level with them. We need their conversation. We are interested in their interests. We value their point of view. We yearn for their vision and outlook (the black family needs this, but that’s another topic for another day). Once they know they can “provide” more than that Chanel handbag, then they will have a true investment in the relationship. And two truly invested partners is where it’s at!
So I have been somewhat hard on women, and that’s primarily for two reasons:
1. I am a woman who knows I can only change myself. So I must look at what I do and say wrong and make corrections. I can’t change him, nor can I really understand what it’s like to walk in his shoes. My desire is to meet someone who is commited to becoming the best man he can be and the two of us can share our walk. Four feet, one walk.
2. I sincerely believe that a man will treat you the way you allow him to. Do I really have to explain this? If you are standing upright and he bounces: LET HIM BOUNCE! He ain’t for you. You can’t change him. If you change you, then it’s not you he’s with (think about it).
SCENARIO: So you pretend and put forth what you think he wants, and in turn he gives you attention. Six months [insert any time frame here, it doesn’t really matter] down the line, after some mind blowing sex, and your emotions are all caught up; you start to long for more. He is the man of your dreams. Perfect on paper. Perfect physically. Comes from a good family. Has a plan for his future. He even might listen when you talk! “OMG, why won’t he propose??!! I am a doing everything I can to show him how good a woman I am!!! I KNOW I am better than the others, but honestly, I can’t even call him my man, because we never had that conversation! So can I get mad at him for bangin’ other women? But if he can just realize how great we can be together then everything will be perfect!!!!”
HELLO!!! Don’t you remember that in the beginning you held back your values and what you wanted because you wanted his attention?! Duh, HE hasn’t changed in this scenario, so why get mad at him? Have we forgotten than men can be involved physically and be concurrently emotionally detached from that experience? HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW HIM TO.
I am hard on women because I am one and I sincerely believe women are the best creations ever and as such; we need to live up to that creation.
Good men and good women exist. When we stop lying, to ourselves and each other, maybe then we can hook up and live happily ever after….